Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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