Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
