FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
