He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
