the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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