Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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