you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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