I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
