We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
