no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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