I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
