The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
