A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
