shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
May the power of my ass compel you!!
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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