I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
