He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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