His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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