I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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