Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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