theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
