im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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