I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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