I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
