i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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