Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you would pick up someone in the library
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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