Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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