I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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