she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
