I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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