pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
