There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
