He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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