He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
