sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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