i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
please don't ironically join a cult
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