I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
