I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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