This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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