words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
