Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
