well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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