My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
