Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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