Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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