She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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