from now on my penis is your penis
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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