he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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