My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
