I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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