Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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