A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You're like the curious george of whores
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
